My most honest post, ever.
Even when I tell my mind to rest, it's been an unfortunate habit that it just WILL NOT. I wonder if I'll be like this forever.... never content and always searching for something. I always quote the lyrics, The present is a gift and I just wanna be... and it has been just that.. I just WANT to be and I realize I haven't done that, EVER.
Sometimes I feel at 19, I have so much catching up to do with the rest of the world. I want to be smarter, more intelligent and wiser. I want to be a sponge to everything around me and absorb everything I am being taught. I want to have a better memory because mine has always failed me when I'm trying to remember something important. I want to have a better vocabulary and speak more eloquently. I want to be better at everything I do. I want to read ...everyday of my life. I want people to respect me, take me seriously, not correlate my age with my actions. I want to know that the thousands of dollars my parents are pumping into my education will amount to something.
It's scary, but its the truth. I decided to go to UCLA at 17. So naive at the time, yet with so many expectations for myself. Now 2 years later and at 19, my performance at UCLA has been mediocre... and I HATE anything mediocre. There shouldn't be any settling for ANYTHING less than what I set for myself so I don't know what is pulling me to settle for JUST THAT. I want to be remembered or be able to look back at my run at UCLA for something of substance, like being incredibly smart or a leader who has made some kind of substantial impact through hard work and persistence.
.... so I will keep working. Working and studying my ass off till I can't anymore. I don't know if anyone knows how much I want to get THERE. There, being the little place in my soul where I'll feel a little bit of contentment, because I know I'll never ever fully be content, at least not any time soon....
Knowledge is everything to me. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop growing.
I never want to feel like I'm not ________ enough because I am 19. fckthat.
Even when I tell my mind to rest, it's been an unfortunate habit that it just WILL NOT. I wonder if I'll be like this forever.... never content and always searching for something. I always quote the lyrics, The present is a gift and I just wanna be... and it has been just that.. I just WANT to be and I realize I haven't done that, EVER.
Sometimes I feel at 19, I have so much catching up to do with the rest of the world. I want to be smarter, more intelligent and wiser. I want to be a sponge to everything around me and absorb everything I am being taught. I want to have a better memory because mine has always failed me when I'm trying to remember something important. I want to have a better vocabulary and speak more eloquently. I want to be better at everything I do. I want to read ...everyday of my life. I want people to respect me, take me seriously, not correlate my age with my actions. I want to know that the thousands of dollars my parents are pumping into my education will amount to something.
It's scary, but its the truth. I decided to go to UCLA at 17. So naive at the time, yet with so many expectations for myself. Now 2 years later and at 19, my performance at UCLA has been mediocre... and I HATE anything mediocre. There shouldn't be any settling for ANYTHING less than what I set for myself so I don't know what is pulling me to settle for JUST THAT. I want to be remembered or be able to look back at my run at UCLA for something of substance, like being incredibly smart or a leader who has made some kind of substantial impact through hard work and persistence.
.... so I will keep working. Working and studying my ass off till I can't anymore. I don't know if anyone knows how much I want to get THERE. There, being the little place in my soul where I'll feel a little bit of contentment, because I know I'll never ever fully be content, at least not any time soon....
Knowledge is everything to me. I never want to stop learning. I never want to stop growing.
I never want to feel like I'm not ________ enough because I am 19. fckthat.
1 comment:
Lil sis, forreal...today was one of my favorite hang outs with us. I'm hella glad that we GET each other on EVERYTHING when we need it the most.
I miss you alreaaaady, shiet!
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