On Authenticity + passion

Reminder to myself: you are a work in progress.

Authenticity has been a big thing on my mind lately. "being our authentic selves". It's easy to be swayed by our experiences, the people we meet, the places we've seen... without really stopping to ask ourselves, if we've remained true to ourselves and asking is this really WHO I am? Is this the direction I want to go? Do I want to emotionally and mentally invest my time into this?

I ask myself a lot lately what mark I want to leave on the world. Besides the "what are you doing now" post-college question, the bigger question to me is what am I leaving behind to let people know that I existed. I think it's something I think about DAILY actually... I find myself more and more in awe of people who come off to be very in tune with their purpose on earth and what gifts they can contribute to the service of others...whether its the gift of music, intellect, innovation, design, etc.. I really love learning about those people.

I wonder how people actually pinpoint what it is exactly what they want to do. What is it in their core that lets them know that this is exactly what they should be doing? For me, I find that my problem is that I love so many different things. Maybe it's the eternal optimist that has found enjoyment in literally every job I've had... or my need/want to learn about everything because I find SO MUCH of the world fascinating. The only problem is how you turn these things into careers...

I love travel, I love aesthetically beautiful things (i.e. accessories, interior decor), I love empowering women and working WITH like-minded women in general, I love educating myself about global issues and admiring people who are working to alleviate poverty, I love fast-paced environments and big cities, I love typography and graphic design, I love my Filipino culture.

..so many things I'd love to delve into but I know won't really know if it'll turn into a career until I've tried. such a wierd time of figuring yourself out, I will admit. There are so many people I've seen who just happen to fall into what they're doing and love it. Maybe I'm not seeking out my opportunities as best I can or making the best of the position that I am in. It's hard when you lack passion though...which goes back to my thoughts about being my authentic self and doing things only that push me, keep me driven and still staying true to myself + my desires.

time will tell and I guess this is exactly why this blog exists. Life has always been a constant ebb and flow of going through the motions and seeking out my next best opportunity.

satisfied.

Life has been moving forward and I'm proud of myself for actively getting out of the rut I was growing complacent in and almost accepting. Thank God.

So I got myself a job at an awesome marketing and research company that focuses solely on working with clients that are seeking positive social change among youth culture. The people are awesome, the office is like one I've always wanted to work in and we're in Mission Hills.. a cute little neighborhood with a bunch of independent stores I've been dying to explore. My mornings have become focused and more driven as a result and I'm thankful for that.

I've also gotten my butt back into the gym. Of course toning up and losing weight are the main goals, but I also feel accomplished and in a great mood after a good workout. Not to mention, having a gym partner and a bf who boxes for a living help 100%

I stopped in the library the other day and dusted off my good ol' library card. Ever since I was a kid, libraries always instantly inspired me. I'm glad after all these years, it has never changed. I picked up Unbearable Lightness by Portia De Rossi, which I was intrigued to read when she was on the Oprah show and The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav which was the top book Jay-Z mentioned made a difference in his life. Excited to start reading.

All in all, I've been trying to improve the different aspects of my life little by little. I want to make a habit of taking care of myself and never losing my grasp on things to the point that I don't feel fulfilled. Work shouldn't be the only place that fulfills me but my health, my mind+heart, my confidence, my family, my relationship with my bf, all of that matters a great deal to me as I get older.

tranquil

a hello from overseas.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Currently vacationing in the Philippines and I've taken a lot of time to sit, reflect and appreciate. Thank you 2010 for reminding me (among other things):

1. I am deserving of a lot more than what I started to allowed myself to think.
2. God has a plan for everything in my life, trust in that. Nothing has happened without a reason.
3. I choose how I want to play my cards and nothing is ever too far from my reach.

With that, my daily reminders are:

1. Sacrifice more of the stuff that is becoming less important in my life to make room for growth and success.
2. Future is nothing to fret about, worry about today. Maximize today.
3. Live life on purpose.That everything I choose to do, affiliate myself with and surround myself with should be a reflection of me. Do things because they matter to me, say things because I mean it & letting everything else drop off as filler.
4. Patience and hard work.

Cheers to 2011.

Sunday Night Thoughts

• Sunday night mass always brings me clarity & calms the madness in my mind. Sometimes my thoughts, worries, and hopes for the future get the best of me and evening mass always centers me again before the start of another week. I used to go a lot at night when I lived in LA, I think I'm going to start going in the evening here. There always happens to be less people too, which helps me cancel out the noise in my life. Does anyone else feel this way?
• I'm learning more and more that when I'm feeling a certain way that I may not like, instead of pushing it away and acting like I don't feel that way, I'll let myself sit in that feeling and then move on. It helps me lessen the baggage and leave things that are in the past where they are supposed to be, instead of constantly suppressing something and having it occur in my life over and over again. Sometimes we're taught that we have to be superwomen and we're strong enough to handle everything. Truth is, we won't be strong enough for everything so you just let things be as they are and then tell yourself to let it go. No wallowing, no questioning, no going back in time reliving things that should be left there. 
• At the end of the day, I find peace knowing that everyday, I'm better than I've ever been. There's a reason for everything that has happened in my life. My life is better now than it was 2 years ago, a week ago, 5 years ago. When I used to feel sad about things, I always wanted to go back in time, hoping I was happy like I was at some point in the past. Now, I relish in the fact of growing, learning more about myself and accepting change instead of wanting to relive past moments. It's no way to live. What is meant to be will be & I know that God is only making me better.
• Being a lady is completely underrated nowadays. 
• A friend told me to always pray for wisdom above everything. He was so right.

What if there were two of you!? Crazy.

thrift shop earrings.

ideas.

I just got a brand new moleskin & pens.
Little things like this excite the hell of out me.
Matter of fact, blank space excites me.

Moving forward with implementing new ideas and taking up new challenges.
This is gonna be fun :)

live well.

"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
...To appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Lyyke Li Pandora station has been on hit this whole week.
Every song seems to perfectly capture my mood.

Not everything is perfect on the inside (nor on the outside), but as a whole... everything is damn beautiful. I don't care how heavy life gets sometimes or how much real shit you have to face as you get older, I find solace in meeting people and experiencing things right when I'm supposed to so it gives me a new perspective on life when I need it. I believe in never giving up, no matter what. I don't care how endless or seemingly complicated anything is, I won't give up on my own belief that life is what you make it, life is full of the consequences and aftermath of your choices... so make good ones. 

I appreciate every little thing about life, all the joys and mishaps that we encounter. It's all a balancing act that all remind you that EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING. We wouldn't know joy if we didn't feel pain. For every pain we go through, there is JUST that much more to make us realize how blessed and amazing all the little joys are, even if you have to string them all together just to make ourselves feel better.

I don't care much anymore for all the little things people think I'm doing wrong. There is more to yourself and more to this life than what anyone thinks of you. God & the people that raised you should be the only opinions that should hold weight when all the dust settles.

Everything is everything.
Live well. Treat other people well. When you're wrong, say sorry.
When someone's wrong, accept the apology.
Believe that everyone has their own battle to face and we should all collectively strive to make that battle a little less for every person we encounter.

It's the way life should be.

Since I've been back in LA, I've been working with a non-profit group called Embrace. Started by Sean Sheppard, who is quickly becoming a role model and mentor to me, they work with a lot of college students to get them interested in working in the community and helping the less fortunate. Embrace has various programs including health and wellness, social justice and service learning, irrespective of race, religion or cultural upbringing. It's open arms for everyone and weekly, I've been joining my friends serving food to the homeless community in downtown San Diego.

On my first day there, there was a man who was so gracious and thankful for what we were doing. He looked like he hadn't eaten all day and we told we'd be back tomorrow if he wanted more food. He said, "I'll probably be dead by then." My heart sank and I quickly remembered the immense amount of help that our community needs. Every community needs.

Even moreso when I lived in LA, there was a HUGE community of people that needed help. With my sorority, Chi Delta Theta, my dear friend who was our community service chair made it her mission to educate and expose us to the homeless community in Los Angeles. Places like Skid Row is heavily concentrated with the less fortunate and I praise her always for making this her mission during the time. Instead of simply donating money or doing walks (which are all still awesome), she put us in positions where we ate, shook hands, had conversation and really got to know these individuals. We served food, played games at the Homeless Youth Drop-In Center in Hollywood, gave manicures and massages at a battered women's shelter and served hundreds of breakfast meals at Midnight Mission. It truly taught me to be more compassionate and to continue giving my efforts whenever I could.

Now, I write all of this because it means a lot to me and I think it should mean a lot to everyone. These people are so grateful, respectful and kind whenever I've served them. They have goals and aspirations like the rest of us do, but maybe just a little beaten off their paths without the right support to see them through. Yes they have problems, health problems, drug related problems, all kinds of problems, but they are also humans ... who lack all the simple luxuries that we all take for granted.

So when we're complaining about the little things (I'm guilty of this too), I always try to remember how blessed we are. If you ever get the chance to serve other people, try it, at least once, and allow it to open up your eyes and your heart to the truth about our world. A lot of us have preconceived notions and prejudices against homeless people, and if people just took the time out more to educate themselves, be more compassionate and have a little more empathy... someone would truly appreciate your service, it could even save their life.

1 hour minimum a week, just to forget about yourself for once, and give that hour to someone else. It really isn't all that much. In the time you probably spent going through blogs and reaching mine, an hour has passed. On top of that, it makes your soul rich with all the things that we all should be striving for. When $$$, family, and life problems are all stacked up against you, humility and selflessness are some of the qualities I value most in people.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” -Dalai Lama

Me: I think you think I'm more high maintenance than I really am.

Him: No, I just think you deserve more than you think you do.

pursuit of happyness.

My last weekend in LA consisted of celebrations + great company for my brothers 24th birthday.
Mel's Diner on Sunset. Roosevelt Hotel. Rutt's Hawaiian food for breakfast. Venice Beach. Abbot Kinney.
I had a blast with amazing people who know how to have old school fun, no matter the situation.
I don't have any worries about moving back home anymore because I realize your perspective on life is SO MUCH in your attitude and the company you choose to keep, so choose well. 

You either WAIT for the means to be great and let the chance that it happens be controlled by the universe.

Or you take it in your own hands, decide to be GREAT, and create the means to do so.

which do you choose?

LIVE YOUR LIFE.
LIVE YOUR LIFE.
LIVE YOUR LIFE.

PHOTOS COURTESY OF ANGEL

Thank you Universe.

Thank you LIFE for an amaaaaazing weekend in San Francisco. A more in depth update will be made once I get a hold of pictures from Angel's camera, but this weekend was exactly what my spirit needed.  It was exhilarating, spontaneous, and full of all my favorite things: good food, shopping, beautiful people, laughter & great weather.

& I come back to find out that I got two A's last session of summer school.

I haven't been this truly truly happy in such a long time. I truly believe you choose the life you want to live and it all begins with the people you choose to surround yourself with and what you want around you to create the life you've always imagined. Work-related things always used to work out for me, explaining why I've been such a workaholic... but for the first time in a very long time, my family, love life, friends, and Self are finally where I've always prayed to be at... and now that it's here, I can finally... exhale.

THANKFUL is all I can truly be right now.

:)

 

So I'm gonna write about my scars because I've never put them out there before and I feel like to grow, you need to address the things that are sometimes touchy to other people in order to educate. Some people are curious, and I feel like writing, so here goes nothing.

It's almost gonna be two years next months since that accident that changed my life and when I look down at my scars, I am always reminded. Besides all the realizations I came to fully embrace after that accident, I also became accustomed to the scars that rest beautifully on my knees. The knees that were sliced open in my car accident, the knee that shattered on impact, the knee that sustain the titanium rod that will sit in my leg forever.

I may not have flawless legs, I never will, but I've got wealth & life lessons etched in me now that only some people get to learn in their lifetime. When you go through things that temporarily (thankfully) put you in another person's shoes, like being disabled, your scars become your saving grace, because they remind you that it could have been worse.

These scars remind me of those nights I struggled, in the deepest darkest nights, feeling the lowest I have ever been in my entire life. Those nights that went unspoken because you don't want anyone to feel an ounce of sorrow for you. They remind me of those nights coming home from the hospital, with my legs black and blue, immobile and defeated. Slapped with papers from their lawyers, telling me that on top of it all, I was being sued... for money that I knew I would never see in my lifetime even if I worked everyday of my life. It reminds me of those months going to physical therapy, setting goals so I could take my first steps by my 20th birthday. It's those struggles that build character and my scars are all of that.

Society & Hollywood paints a picture of flawless beauty, but I know well enough now that it's not reality. I'll probably never be a model if I ever wanted to be one, just because of the scars on my legs, but thats fine with me because my essence doesn't lie in my outward appearance but in the months and months of wisdom & truths I allowed to rest in me after my accident. My mind is wealthy (&healthy) & that's how I'll forever choose to make my living.

So for anyone that has asked, I don't mind them, I think they build character and give me a story to tell and a means to be able to share a piece of my mind.  I love when people ask me, because I'd rather have told my story than for any other person to have to physically feel what I went through.

Peace & blessings ya'll.

cali grown.

New GOODS from PRIMITIVE.
My favorite shirt from the Summer 2010 line.
Support my favorite boys & cop yours today.
cali reppin.

http://www.primitiveshoes.com

Workin at this shop has made me love CALI even more than I always have. I am proudly from Southeast SD, born and raised but I feel like LA really raised me. I moved out here for school at UCLA and in the past 4 years, I've been through more shit than people my age. Out here is where I refined MY HUSTLE and came into my own, and I love LA for that. At times workin 2 jobs, double interning for fckin FREE, founded our sorority, got my degree, got into my car accident & had to learn how to walk again, lost love & GREW, made my worst enemies, but connected mind states with some of the dopest people that I ain't even mad at all those who hate on me. Even the boys who work at the shop, they've become my big bros, always lookin' out and I thank them for that. I have so many bonds with people who inspire me, challenge me, humble me that all I can be is a sponge to all the hustle, strong work ethics, fashion, art, music, that I've been blessed to be immersed in. Not that many people get that and I am fully aware of how blessed I am. I love Cali for the sunny days, the warm nights, LA for the mixture of wealthy, poor, hood, eclectic ass people that I see everywhere.

My friend moved out here a good couple of months ago and I was so happy for him. I knew he was in for some growth and appreciation for this magnet of a place that so many people only dream of living in. Sometimes I hate LA for the petty things like the traffic, but in hindsight, this is where I've felt my weakest mornings, my strongest moments and the place that's made my future as bright as ever.

I feel lucky as hell to live the life I live and you better believe I don't take a day for granted. LA has taught me to fuck the petty bullshit because there is always something better, a better opportunity, a better friend, a better experience, you just got be open to the changes and roll with it.

Thanks Los Angeles.

open-ended.

"You see I loved hard once, 
But the love wasn't returned.
I found out the man that I would die for,
he wasn't even concerned.
In time and turn, he tried to burn me like a perm,
But my eyes saw the deception, my heart wouldn't let me learn from.

Some dumb woman was I, 
and every time he lie, he would cry, and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths.
Compared myself to Toni Braxton, thought I'd never catch my breath.
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest,
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief they can't arrest. 
Pain suppressed will lead to cardiac arrest.
Diamonds deserve Diamonds but he convinced me I was worth less.

When my peoples would protest,
I told 'em mind they business 'cause my shit was complex.
More than just the sex.
I was blessed but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed.
I'd spend nights clutchin' my breast overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best, contemplatin' death because you left but,
No man is ever worth your paradise manifest
---Lauryn Hill


 -----

Sometimes I sit and wonder to myself when my idea of love started to change....

Because love stopped being fun.

Love started to hurt like hell.

These aren't the things my mother warned me about when I was dreaming up my idea of love as a kid.

The fact that LOVE won't be enough one day is never going to be thrown into the discussion when we naive, hormone raging teenagers begin to delve into that world of firsts.

Who knew that one day, the fact that I LOVED you, didn't make ANYTHING right still.

I used to think that love conquers all things, maybe I still do, but I am cautious.

Because Love makes you do stupid things.

Love makes you wait and wait for someone to change when they don't.

Love makes you hopeful until you are disappointed.

Love makes you fight in the name of love, until you don't know what you're fighting for anymore.
Love makes you learn the hard way.

Love makes you want to blame everyone else for the inherent truth, because you refuse to believe it.

Love makes you want to change someone, until you've lost yourself.

(actually) LOVE, makes you stupid enough to think you CAN change someone.

I never thought I'd stop being hopeful, but where do you draw the line before your belief in LOVE completely disappears?

Was it wrong of me to stop & say ENOUGH?

Because I don't want to remember love as not being fun anymore.

In fact, love shouldn't even be this hard.

The idea I had of love that I kept sacred in my heart started to become an episode of Jerry Springer.

I turned into that crazy bitch. YES, that fucking crazy bitch who lost all sense of being rational.

A low-class ill-mannered individual because what I was enduring was ripping at the seams and I was ready to explode.

& still, it shouldn't have never gotten to that point.

I had a choice to snap the fuck out of it. To seriously, get a grip yet I kept hoping love was going to magically change things.

But love was my drug.
I was always blunted on reality.
On a fucking high that had me seeing & feeling shit that wasn't there anymore.

It has the power to make smart individuals do the most idiotic things.

It has the power to make us surrender what we already know deep down inside, for that thing in your heart you know probably won't come to pass.

It makes you the most forgiving fucking person & trust, I don't forgive easily.

I'll never understand how it got to this point, how it lasted so long and how i'll ever get back to love.

But I know for sure, love wasn't supposed to be that hard.

Today I walked out of class inspired, more than I ever have been while at UCLA. To have met intellectuals who LIVE simply to educate others and bring change to the world through my major has been so incredible. I think when you have teachers who challenge your ways of thinking and force you to see the inequalities in our world that we either choose not to see or are disguised by the media, it brings on a whole new set of glasses in which to see the world. It's not simply 'this is what's going on, how sad' but, 'this is going on and WHAT CAN I DO?' .. empowerment.

I am blessed to have been able to go to UCLA and have my mind opened to the possibilities of my future and my potential as a HUMAN BEING. I will forever be a student of the ways of the world and will always have a life-long wonder about humanity and the world we live in. It is too much of a disservice to our own being if we don't expose ourselves to other ways of thinking, points of views and ideas and learn to be compassionate & want to help other people.

There is a bright beautiful world out there, that isn't always going to be beautiful, but it's where we live in. The possibilities that exist from now and forward excite the hell out of me and bring so much energy & eagerness to my life. We'll see where the road takes me but I know the journey will be great.

LIVE L I M I T L E S S.

don't complain, just work harder.

This summer has been amazing &I can't get enough of it.
I haven't blogged in a while so here is a random list of things on my mind.

• I love those days where the most fitting song comes on your ipod/radio just as the sun is shining perfectly on my rides home. 
• I love reconnecting with my friends after feeling like I've been away for so long, only to realize that I love them more than I remembered.
• I love being able to make plans without work or school getting in the way (!!!!!!)
• Mos Def: "If you're going to pray, don't worry. If you're going to worry, don't pray"
• Fearlessness sometimes is relishing in the uncertainty of life, especially the future. I've always been a planner type person, but now that I've let that all go (for now), life has become an adventure and NOT so monotonous and routine.
• Fearlessness is letting go of love, because love wasn't working and remembering that there is no failure, only lessons. And waking up everyday hopeful and thankful & not angry and resentful.
• Prayer works + goes a long way. I pray for even the most unlikely people, because I still would wish you peace in your day.
• My passion for reading has fully ignited again. I always have this thing of buying books whenever I go into Borders, but now I won't treat myself to a new one until I finish my current one. (& no, I don't care how nerdy that just sounded! HAH!)
• On that note, knowledge is my wealth. knowledge of self. knowledge of others experiences & feelings. knowledge of the world around me. 
• I'd rather be known as the smart girl than the wild party girl. Party, party, party only gets you so far. I worked too hard in this life & sacrificed too much when I was younger to be branded as just anotha girl doin' the same ol shit. My dreams are far too big & my values etched TOO DAMN DEEP in my being to be thought anything less than what my mom &pops raised me as.
• On men: Good looks only attract, but you have to have something to bring to the table & an opinion to keep me around.  I'd rather have a man who is well-read, can teach me more, someone I can take my ideas from lecture home with and debate about to, someone who isn't afraid to challenge me, free-spirited, hard-working, stand-up individual.
• Lately, I've been having moments where I get really nervous to do things and instead of backing out, I ride with that feeling of "Oh well, FUCK IT" & just do it.. I'm proud of myself, because I don't want me being cautious to make me skip out on experience. (& note, this isn't a 'fuck it' against the consequences, but its fear being left at the door & throwing caution to the wind).
• I watched The Last Lecture of Randy Pausch again today.
  Please watch it.
  
  
  
  • Don't complain, just work harder.
  • If you lead your life the right way, karma will take care of itself.
  • Apologize when you screw up, and focus on other people, not on yourself.
  • We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just we play the hand.
  • When you see yourself doing something badly and no one's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care.
  • Experience is what you get, if you didn't get what you wanted.
  • The brick walls are there for a reason, they are there to give us a chance to show  how badly we want something. They are there to stop people who don't want it badly enough.

Shine Brightly for Christ

You know those days where you ask yourself how the heck did I get to this dark place?

You know those days you wake up and get so angered because you feel so far from where you want to be spiritually?

My road with Christ has been a bumpy one with a lot of things throwing me off of my path. I have so many internal struggles that I deal with everyday and even when my will & faith is shaken to it's core, I keep telling myself to have faith that the Lord is merciful, no matter what. It's hard and I know there are a lot of other people that have the same questions about their journey with Christ, and in that, I know I am not alone.

I know I just need to let go of a lot of things that hold my heart hostage from creating a deeper relationship with the Lord. Especially with dealing with this break up, I need Him more than I ever do. I need to stay faithful and obedient and really do some soul searching.

For anyone else who is praying for the Lord to help them endure and give them strength, I am right there with you.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10