open-ended.

"You see I loved hard once, 
But the love wasn't returned.
I found out the man that I would die for,
he wasn't even concerned.
In time and turn, he tried to burn me like a perm,
But my eyes saw the deception, my heart wouldn't let me learn from.

Some dumb woman was I, 
and every time he lie, he would cry, and inside I'd die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths.
Compared myself to Toni Braxton, thought I'd never catch my breath.
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest,
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief they can't arrest. 
Pain suppressed will lead to cardiac arrest.
Diamonds deserve Diamonds but he convinced me I was worth less.

When my peoples would protest,
I told 'em mind they business 'cause my shit was complex.
More than just the sex.
I was blessed but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed.
I'd spend nights clutchin' my breast overwhelmed by God's test
I was God's best, contemplatin' death because you left but,
No man is ever worth your paradise manifest
---Lauryn Hill


 -----

Sometimes I sit and wonder to myself when my idea of love started to change....

Because love stopped being fun.

Love started to hurt like hell.

These aren't the things my mother warned me about when I was dreaming up my idea of love as a kid.

The fact that LOVE won't be enough one day is never going to be thrown into the discussion when we naive, hormone raging teenagers begin to delve into that world of firsts.

Who knew that one day, the fact that I LOVED you, didn't make ANYTHING right still.

I used to think that love conquers all things, maybe I still do, but I am cautious.

Because Love makes you do stupid things.

Love makes you wait and wait for someone to change when they don't.

Love makes you hopeful until you are disappointed.

Love makes you fight in the name of love, until you don't know what you're fighting for anymore.
Love makes you learn the hard way.

Love makes you want to blame everyone else for the inherent truth, because you refuse to believe it.

Love makes you want to change someone, until you've lost yourself.

(actually) LOVE, makes you stupid enough to think you CAN change someone.

I never thought I'd stop being hopeful, but where do you draw the line before your belief in LOVE completely disappears?

Was it wrong of me to stop & say ENOUGH?

Because I don't want to remember love as not being fun anymore.

In fact, love shouldn't even be this hard.

The idea I had of love that I kept sacred in my heart started to become an episode of Jerry Springer.

I turned into that crazy bitch. YES, that fucking crazy bitch who lost all sense of being rational.

A low-class ill-mannered individual because what I was enduring was ripping at the seams and I was ready to explode.

& still, it shouldn't have never gotten to that point.

I had a choice to snap the fuck out of it. To seriously, get a grip yet I kept hoping love was going to magically change things.

But love was my drug.
I was always blunted on reality.
On a fucking high that had me seeing & feeling shit that wasn't there anymore.

It has the power to make smart individuals do the most idiotic things.

It has the power to make us surrender what we already know deep down inside, for that thing in your heart you know probably won't come to pass.

It makes you the most forgiving fucking person & trust, I don't forgive easily.

I'll never understand how it got to this point, how it lasted so long and how i'll ever get back to love.

But I know for sure, love wasn't supposed to be that hard.