SOUL SESSIONS

At times I can be irrational, emotional, fickle, lazy and downright crazy, but when I get past the point of pride and selfishness, I care, a lot. I had mile high walls built up around my heart for quite some time. I don't know what of my past sparked their construction, but as much as I've let people in, I know when I truly love. Somewhere along the way, I didn't want to just 'fall' into love. I felt like doing so didn't take into consideration the work, time and sacrifice it takes to be in a relationship and I was sure to keep myself in check. I've only fallen in love once, and I was sure it would never happen that way ever again.

Then I began to want to control my life to every minute detail, especially my feelings.

Always had to be the independent woman that did everything on her own.

Never needed anyone to do shit for me.

Prided myself on never needing a boyfriend.

Never let anybody see me cry because I knew I wasn't weak.

But somewhere along the way, I also let Him and him in.

I left my fears at His feet and allowed myself to feel, to be vulnerable, & to let someone in again. I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I actually was happy and yes, it was partly because of someone else. I trained my mind to think so much that my happiness didn't depend on ANYONE, and even though I still partly feel that way, I finally let him show me why I shouldn't hate the idea so much, and he hasn't failed me yet.

I don't know if this is a part of the Lord's great plan in my life, but I am so thankful he opened up my eyes and my heart again. He taught me forgiveness, understanding and patience... definitely patience. I used to be the chick so quick to write people off and keep it movin' like it was nobody's business. Maybe I didn't feel the way I knew I should have felt to bother even staying, and I may have been right all along, because the fight to stay and get through every obstacle has ALWAYS been worth it for him.

Our new beginning has blessed me tenfold the second time around.

Thank you Lord.