I shouldn't be writing in my blog, I have homework collecting dust on my desk and laundry that needs to be put away, but I have a lot on my mind and all I know is to write. So here goes...
The mystery of my life for the past X amount of years is hustle and love and my firm belief that they don't mix. As MUCH as I try to tell myself otherwise and would absolutely love to find love, my personal experiences have proven otherwise. This is strictly my opinion so don't hate me if you disagree.
At 21 years old and no where near being established financially or with any assurance of my career, my mentality is on ME and has been this way for many years now. I am unashamed to say I am as selfish as I can be right now, because EVERYTHING relies on me, my choices, my work ethic, my own self-discipline, everything. With that, I believe with my WHOLE ENTIRE HEART, that you can be anything that you want to be, if you choose it and I did that a LONG time ago. In turn, our dreams cannot be reached with empty promises to ourselves and simply hoping it will come along one day... but only with realistic goals followed by action, then discipline, hard work and above ALL, sacrifice. And I mean sacrificing time to be at home with my family to attend meetings, sacrificing hard earned money to see my hopes and dreams come to reality, sacrificing leisure time to work and do internships, and most of all sacrificing LOVE.
See, the thing with me, is I only know one real love and with love, you gotta be down (right?). And when I mean down, willing to stay up till 5 am to fix a fight. I mean, spending your whole paycheck just to get him/her J's for their birthday. I mean, driving the hour just to see him/her on the ONE day you two are free and you only see him/her for 2 hours. I'm talking about, dropping everything just to surprise him/her because you love em. I've been this way once upon time, and then I started realizing that that 5AM make-up session got me late for the one job I've been working so hard to get. Or that paycheck I just spent on him could have went to rent + bills. Or that that one hour I drove just to see him could have been an hour I spent studying or sending e-mails for my sorority. Or that that meeting I dropped just to surprise him made me miss an amazing opportunity for my future. See, when I want to be in love, I want that REAL love.
The real love where I am ready and willing to sacrifice and adult enough to draw the line for myself. And though everyone knows I date, YOU. will. KNOW. when. I'm. down. And I'll be the first to admit, I ain't down for ANYONE right now... ESPECIALLY if I don't even have myself in check yet.
Some people ask why can't you just let go and let someone in or why don't people ever last long? Usually its because our lifestyles aren't compatible, but there is also the unwillingness I have to let go of the control I have of my own life. I want to be the best at everything that I do and set my mind to. I have calculated steps for my next leap to success and I don't let anyone fuck with those. I've been through a LOT of unannounced, unexpected shit in my life and gone through some really DEEP and DARK moments in my life because I trusted people and it wasn't until I got through all that that I choose to control my OWN life. I don't have time for FIGHTS, JEALOUSY, INSECURITY, MEN that can't COMMIT, WHORES trying to steal my man (hah, just had to add that) or letting ANYONE have the power to bring any of that into my life. Being in a relationships, entails mutual sacrifice of time, effort, money, etc and I'm sorry, but I just can't do it right now. Which brings me to the point that I also don't want to be in a relationship where the man is willing to sacrifice everything and I am not. It's unequal even if I'm being treated like a Princess, cuz truth is....I don't want it if it's that easy.
Right now, I want to be the best President I can be to my sorority. I don't half ass. I don't let people who I am leading settle for less than anything than their true potential. I don't just want to breeze through my 'reign', I want to make history. I want this year to be remembered. Right now, I want to get my degree at UCLA, the college my family has sacrificed so much money for just to see me succeed. In order to do all of this, I have to have one focus, and that is MYSELF.
I have big things I want to do with this life. I want to own my own house, buy my own car, I want to travel (alot), I want to pay off all my student loans, I want to own my own business. I want to pamper myself without feeling remorse. I want my Dad to own that Benz he's hoped for all his life. I want to do all the things everyone else got to do because they had $$ and I had to tell myself God hasn't forgotten me, and I NEVER want to have money problems again!! .... and trust, all that shit entails WORK.
Now don't get me wrong and think I'm some bitter bitch who hates everyone who is in love or has a boyfriend. I truly love and appreciate all my girlfriends with boyfriends (&their boyfriends too) and think all their boyfriends complement them quite well. And I'm not saying that every girl in love won't be successful or is less than me, it is just my personal preference and expectations of MYSELF lead me to truly believe that if I want to reach the level of success I want for myself in life, then it won't be when I'm focused on someone else.
xoxo
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