Another one of those brutally honest posts because I can't sleep...
I'll probably hide this later but whatever.
So I'm kind of in a state of limbo. I feel myself making progress but still swimming in the same pool of familiarity. I'm making end$ but still not making enough to get to where I want to be financially. I am doing madd work for the sorority, but still anxious to see our vision flourish in the coming year. I am moving on, but still surrounded by my old demons. I am growing, but even still, I feel like I easily take 5 steps backwards every time I feel like I'm making progress.
I guess what I am saying is that I am in need of some fresh air. Some new life to breathe something new in my soul. I always think I find it, but fall back to my old demons that remind me, I don't know how to settle anymore, or that any idea of a relationship to me is so far-fetched the effort probably wont even be worth it. When I am in San Diego, so much of my history floats along with me in my daily routine. When I am in Los Angeles, its the same sad story, of stupid mistakes and time wasting. I just want to take off all the layers and free myself from my past already. The funny thing is, I don't have to wait for anyone to do that for me, because I am the only person that keeps reminding myself of the very thing I want to just forget already.
Why can't I just stop caring like everyone else, or better, why can't I find anything to keep me interested for longer than a month! Haha, . . . . . no seriously.
I don't know. It's always a fucking mind game going back and forth about what the hell I want out of life & to save myself from blurting another SORRY, I just won't even BOTHER. I really wont. No matter how amazing I think another goddamn person is, I'd rather shoot myself sorry than waste any more time like I have lately. I want to shoot myself moreso over the fact that I have invested so much time in X amount of short-lived moments of happiness when I could really invest all that time, effort and energy into more long-term goals that will actually benefit me. i.e. my education, my good friends, family.. etc. Most of this current state of mind is perpetuated by the same mistakes I keep fucking making. I know that they exist and that I easily regress as quickly as I think I'm progressing. It's tough, like a drug, to get away from all the skeletons that are still in your closet... because they're so damn familiar.
So fuck, back to the old Cammille. Who never really gave a fuck about relationships as much as she did now. Whose only real priority besides family was SCHOOL. (God, I wish that never changed). Who never really gave a shit about other peoples opinions because I was so damn sure of myself. Who never really cried. ever. I used to be tough as shit all by myself, much more head-strong, much more strong-willed, had a lot more restraint when it came to life. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I even changed at all.
I don't like my name in peoples mouths. I don't like being the new gossip. I don't like being linked to anyone. I don't like sharing the details of my business. I just want to be a better me FOR ME. I want to go back to my old ways, the old me, without having to feel like I need to surround myself with people who knew the old me to become that. You feel?
still soul - searching. But alone this time around... As much as I have said I don't need anyone, I always have had someone. I am going to tattoo not interested.. forever on my fucking forehead asap.
I'll probably hide this later but whatever.
So I'm kind of in a state of limbo. I feel myself making progress but still swimming in the same pool of familiarity. I'm making end$ but still not making enough to get to where I want to be financially. I am doing madd work for the sorority, but still anxious to see our vision flourish in the coming year. I am moving on, but still surrounded by my old demons. I am growing, but even still, I feel like I easily take 5 steps backwards every time I feel like I'm making progress.
I guess what I am saying is that I am in need of some fresh air. Some new life to breathe something new in my soul. I always think I find it, but fall back to my old demons that remind me, I don't know how to settle anymore, or that any idea of a relationship to me is so far-fetched the effort probably wont even be worth it. When I am in San Diego, so much of my history floats along with me in my daily routine. When I am in Los Angeles, its the same sad story, of stupid mistakes and time wasting. I just want to take off all the layers and free myself from my past already. The funny thing is, I don't have to wait for anyone to do that for me, because I am the only person that keeps reminding myself of the very thing I want to just forget already.
Why can't I just stop caring like everyone else, or better, why can't I find anything to keep me interested for longer than a month! Haha, . . . . . no seriously.
I don't know. It's always a fucking mind game going back and forth about what the hell I want out of life & to save myself from blurting another SORRY, I just won't even BOTHER. I really wont. No matter how amazing I think another goddamn person is, I'd rather shoot myself sorry than waste any more time like I have lately. I want to shoot myself moreso over the fact that I have invested so much time in X amount of short-lived moments of happiness when I could really invest all that time, effort and energy into more long-term goals that will actually benefit me. i.e. my education, my good friends, family.. etc. Most of this current state of mind is perpetuated by the same mistakes I keep fucking making. I know that they exist and that I easily regress as quickly as I think I'm progressing. It's tough, like a drug, to get away from all the skeletons that are still in your closet... because they're so damn familiar.
So fuck, back to the old Cammille. Who never really gave a fuck about relationships as much as she did now. Whose only real priority besides family was SCHOOL. (God, I wish that never changed). Who never really gave a shit about other peoples opinions because I was so damn sure of myself. Who never really cried. ever. I used to be tough as shit all by myself, much more head-strong, much more strong-willed, had a lot more restraint when it came to life. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I even changed at all.
I don't like my name in peoples mouths. I don't like being the new gossip. I don't like being linked to anyone. I don't like sharing the details of my business. I just want to be a better me FOR ME. I want to go back to my old ways, the old me, without having to feel like I need to surround myself with people who knew the old me to become that. You feel?
still soul - searching. But alone this time around... As much as I have said I don't need anyone, I always have had someone. I am going to tattoo not interested.. forever on my fucking forehead asap.
No comments:
Post a Comment