MENTAL GAME...

Sometimes to get over mountains, roadblocks, setbacks... anything that keeps you confined in your own mind, you have to face it, head-on... with no excuses. Since my accident, I've been struggling to come to terms with a lot of things... my current inability to walk & do many things I wished I could do at specific moments, the accident itself & all the repercussions that I know I will have to face as time heals me, the vulnerability I feel daily being so dependent on people and living a life opposite of everything I've ever imagined.... but most importantly, my daily struggle to keep positive, stay mentally strong and trusting in God that time will heal of this pain.... physically and emotionally..

As positive and tough as I may appear, a conversation with my brother today made me realize that my definition of tough is being tested into a whole new meaning. Everything I thought I was tough about before, is NOTHING compared to having a disability... I've realized that there is an entirely new avenue of being MENTALLY TOUGH that I never even gotten close to tapping into. Thankfully my injuries are only temporary but living like this for only 2 weeks already has granted me even more compassion for those who are permanently disabled and dependent on people for their livelihood. You will never know unless you can walk in someone's shoes the kind of toll a disability takes on your mentality, your spirit, your attitude.. your self-confidence....

&& Trust me, I have alot of those kinds of days.. where my spirit feels broken, where this healing process feels endless, where my frustration leads me to fits of anger that no one understands... and its rough. I thought I knew what it was like to struggle with everything I've been through in the past, but this type of struggle really needs an incredibly strong person, inside and out.... I'm still working on that, but that's okay. I'm okay with that.

If anything, I am so thankful. I get choked up trying to tell this to people, or sometimes, I just choose not to say anything to avoid the tears, but I really am. My family, as difficult as it is for someone as stubborn as me, has tried daily and effortlessly, to lift up my spirits, guide me spiritually and remind me that this is my second life and to trust in the Lord. They never give up on me and thats what I need. My friends, for the visits, even when I know it gets old after the 50th movie, they've always made me feel okay, even when this is the most vulnerable I've EVER felt in my life... I forget about it when I'm with them. && AJ, to be in this physical state & dating someone, trust me, its a big blow to your confidence... but he's been solid since Day 1 and I know how lucky I am to have someone accept every nasty bit of you that exists when you are in your weakest state... even without makeup... or dressed up.. he still manages to make me feel absolutely beautiful... and I need that at the end of the day... I forget about my accident and remember that I can FEEL something else.. and that's butterflies :)

Healing is not only for your physical state..but its for every other part of your being that is left broken after something devastating happens. I want tomorrow and everyday after that to be different from any other day I've had before. I want to keep on with the positivity I know is hidden behind all this fear and frustration. I want to really start BELIEVING everything everyone has been trying so hard to get through my head... I owe it to myself.

&& for anyone that read this far... seriously, love your life... I know I've never appreciated my life more than I DO NOW. As much as I am frustrated, I am (WE are) blessed beyond belief. To have good health, a loving family, a roof over our heads... its the little things we forget sometimes.

SO as I keep looking towards the future and learning from my past, I am giddy at the thought of the person I will become of all of this. As much of struggle this is all currently, I am excited that I've opened myself up to the new type of TOUGH that I need in my life. The type of tough that has nothing to do with facing OUTER forces but just yourself... every ugly little thing about yourself. It's self-acceptance daily as I always said...

<3